Uncle Qrow, What's Whiskey?
by God Emperor Penguin
Summary: Qrow is babysitting his adorable little neices, Yang (age 6) and Ruby (age 4), when he decides he really needs a drink...


**Summary:** _Qrow is babysitting his adorable little neices, Yang (age 6) and Ruby (age 4), when he decides he really needs a drink..._

 **Uncle Qrow, What's Whiskey?**

RWBY

Written from the perspective of Uncle Qrow

 **oO oOo oOoOo oOo Oo**

There is nothing in life more delicious than whiskey.

Scrambled eggs and whiskey? Delicious. Couple of peanuts and whiskey? Double delicious. Cute barmaid in the middle of nowhere… plus a few shots of whiskey? Sign me up, Skipper.

So when Tai asked me to babysit his daughters while he went out to do some business in Vale, and gave me a crate of whiskey, I thought 'hell, I love spending time with my adorable little nieces.

"How old are they now?" I asked Tai outside his cabin. "Two and four?"

"Ruby's four and Yang's six."

"Where does the time go," I murmured. Tai shrugged.

"Time would probably go slower if you ease up on that stuff in the daylight." Tai rubbed the back of his head. "I'd also prefer if you avoided drinking in front of them. They're still pretty impressible, especially Ruby."

I pulled the emptied flask out of my lips. "Okay, your house your rules, boss-man." I threw my fingers at him. _Check 'em._

So Tai said his goodbyes and gave hugs and kisses and promised he'd return soon and yadda-yadda-yadda. So Yang and Ruby were parked in front of the television watching My Little Grimm. Who'd thought colorful creatures of mindless chaotic construction had such complicated high school social lives?

Oh well, those two were busy. Guess I'll help myself.

Pulling out a refilled flask, I took a swig of the good stuff.

I smacked my lips. Yep, that's the good stuff. Cheers to you Tai.

"What's that?" Ruby asked, her arms resting on my knees.

"This is an adult drink," I told my adorable little niece.

"What's it called?" Ruby asked innocently.

Yang's face didn't move away from the t.v. "It's whiskey," said Yang. "Dad drinks it sometimes when he gets sad."

"So it's a sad drink?" Ruby asked her sister.

"It's a bad drink," answered Yang, her eyes still stuck on Buttercup the Ursine trying to figure out how to get Mackerel the Nevermore and Kevin the Grimm Dragon God of Death to go to the dance together. "It also taste bad and burns."

"Hey now, how would you know how it taste?" I asked Yang. Then I muttered, "doesn't taste that bad to me…"

Yang turned her head, with all the maturity a six year old could muster.

"Dad let me try some. It was bad. Never touching the stuff again."

"Dad let you try some!?" Ruby shouted. She began hitting my knee. "Let me try some! Let me try some!"

"Sorry kiddo, this is an _adult_ drink. And last I checked 4 years old isn't an adult. So no, you can't have any."

Ruby's lip began quivering. Then her eyes got glossy and before you knew it, 'I-want-to-be-a-Huntress-and-I-won't-cry-no-matter-what!' Ruby is crying.

"Th-That's not fair, Uncle Qrow! That's not f-fair!" the tyke sobbed.

I crossed my arms. Tai warned me about this. This was currently Stage 1, Waterworks. Not a problem. Stage 2 is the problem.

Lil Miss' Red Rocket had a way of zooming from point A to point B like a bolt of petal lightning. When she gets in the tantrum, she starts bouncing all the walls like a pinball machine. Tai specifically asked me to avoid tha tor it'd be a pain to clean up.

Alright, Qrow, you're an adult. Obviously Tai gave Yang some whiskey because it made her never want to drink again. Alcohol tends to be an acquired taste after all. Hmmm… a small sip shouldn't hurt. Ruby would probably spit it back out and demand orange juice or something… yes… this is good.

Uncle Qrow you've mastered parenting!

"Alright kiddo. How 'bout this? You stop the waterworks and I'll give you a sip, eh?"

Ruby stopped crying immediately and her little paws were reaching for my flask.

"Yessir!" Ruby said with a big smile.

Flask in her hand, she took a small sip. Her face furrowed. I could see her slouching it around in her mouth. Her eyes showed she was focused. She handed the flask back.

Ruby didn't spit it out. Ruby swallowed.

"Uh, kiddo? Was it bad?"

Ruby looked at me. Then she smiled. She was turning as red as her shirt.

 _Hiccup!_

"Ruby?" Yang was now beside her. _My Little Grimm_ had went to commercial break. "Hey you okay? Speak to me!" Yang shook Ruby's shoulders. Ruby simply smiled and laughed and every so often would _hiccup!_ A crimson blush was on her face. Her eyelids were droopy.

Sweet Kevins, I think Ruby's _drunk_.

"I think it's bedtime for your sister," I told Yang. "Get her changed and to the bath.

Yang reached a hand out to Ruby who quickly reversed it and began using her older sister's hand to pound herself in the face.

"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" Ruby giggled.

"Ruby! S-stop! That hurts!" Yang struggled. I tried to separate them but Ruby was too small and slippery and I was too drunk to catch her. "Uncle Qrow! I might hurt her!"

"She's probably going to hurt you more," I growled.

I did a karate chop and Ruby released Yang.

Yang grasped for air. Ruby was still googly-eyed and swaying. She couldn't keep still.

Slowly, she raised her arms. Her fingers, wrists, and elbows relaxed… knees bent...

Ruby's… Ruby's… she's a…

" _Ruby's a Drunken Master!_ " Yang exclaimed.

Good grief, I can't handle this. Qrow rubbed his eyebrows. It was a stupid martial arts film we saw together. It was about a master martialist who, when drunk, became an even better master martialist…

… but Ruby… she's… a _natural._

"We have to take her down." I steeled myself. Taking down my pretty little niece won't be easy. "Otherwise you girls aren't going to get bath time with Mr. Ducky."

"Did you really just say that, Uncle Qrow?"

I ignored Yang and charged Ruby. With a single fluid motion I realized the world was upside down.

 _That little kid flipped me!_ She **FLIPPED** me.

Ruby covered her mouth to hide her laughter. "This is so fun, Uncle Qrow! _Hiccup!_ "

"Now listen here lil lady… you're getting into that bath and then you're going nighty-night or else."

"... or else what?" Ruby slurred.

"... I'm going to kick your ass."

I rushed her again, holding nothing back. My firsts flew at her like a flurry of tiger swipes. Every kick was like a sweeping dragon. I even threw in a few headutt attempts and body slams.

Everything failed. Damn little runt was too slippery. Even my fastest strikes just manage to graze rose petals. Ruby is hella fast.

"This is fun! This is fun!" Ruby said excitedly as she jumped onto the couch.

"Don't give up Uncle Qrow! You can beat her!" Yang cheered while jumping up and down on the coffee table. Goddammit kids, no feet on the furniture!

I scanned the living room for ideas, a strategy… anything! It was a mess with a drunk hyper-active speed-semblance-enhanced four year old wrecking it up… if only there was a way to...

"Yang," I called out. "I want you to build a prison. Get the chairs, tables, pillows, whatever you can. I'm going to chain the Beast."

"You mean Ruby?" asked Yang with an innocent tilt of her head.

"As I said… _the Beast._ "

Yang saluted and began work while I chased Ruby again through the household. As she blazed through the household in a flash of rose petals, she was knocking over portraits, pictures, and vases that I, of course, had to catch with my super awesome reflexes.

That damn runt…

"Uncle Qrow, you're it, you're it!" Ruby would taunt at me from the kitchen sink..

I peeked into the living room, Yang was finishing up a rather crude looking stacking of furniture. The chair and table legs were bars. A single book case was the entrance and had to be collapsed… if I can get Ruby in there…

"Good job, Yang" I said throwing thumbs up.

Yang clasped her hands. "T-thank you," she said with a blush of crimson. "What do we do now?"

"We have to bait your sister in there… what can do we go?"

Yang looked around the room before picking up a metal container.

"Isn't this your whiskey?"

"Whiskey!" Ruby cried and leapt into the air. "I want more whiskey!"

Uh-oh.

Ruby shot straight at Yang who played keep away.

"Get her into the prison!" I roared.

Yang scrambled into the prison as Ruby began clawing at her sister. Their clothes were being pulled off each other in the struggle and littered the carpet.

When they were both inside the hastily constructed furniture-fort-prison-thing, I kicked the bookshelf sealing them both inside like some kind of demon being sealed away in a soon-to-be-forgotten tomb.

"Uncle Qrow! Your whiskey!" Yang cried as she reached her free hand out with my flask and the other kept Ruby at bay. "Take it!"

"Ha!" I grabbed my flask and downed the whole container in a single breath. The excitement of finally containing this mess of a threat got to me. "Take that! You're my prisoner! You hear me!? You're my prisoner now, Ruby Rose! _Hahahahahaha_!"

Ruby's eyes began swelling with tears and she was sniffling.

"B-but I-I w-want w-w-w-whiskey!"

"No whiskey for the prisoner!" I snapped.

"Qrow?"

Taiyang stood at the living room entrance that connected to the hallway in the front of the house. He was holding two bags of groceries. His eyes were flat and leered at me with a good dose of ' _what the unholy fuck are you doing man_ ' glazed over them.

"I-uh… Look, Tai there's a reasonable explanation."

Let's review what Tai is looking at as he entered his own house.

 **1.** _His underaged daughters are stripped butt naked sealed inside a furniture fort._

 **2.** _One of his daughters is crying for an alcoholic beverage._

 **3.** _His daughters' caretaker (me) is openingly mocking them in jovial celebration while downing a flask of said alcoholic beverage._

Did I miss anything?

Tai walked over to me and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Great job man. Let's give 'em a bath and put them to bed."

"W-wha-? But Tai, I have to explain-"

Tai placed a finger on my lips to shush me. His sweet amber cologne filled my nostrils with nostalgia. "Look at them… they're all tuckered out."

I looked at the cage. Ruby and Yang were both yawning and looked like they were going to collapse right there on the prison carpet butt naked for a long nap.

"They got a lot of energy," I noted.

"Tell me about it. Good work tiring them out. I needed a break from it. I've got Yang, you got Ruby?" Tai pushed over the bookshelf and retrieved his daughters. "I don't mind the mess. Trust me, these girls have done much worse," Tai said with a reassuring smile.

Tai then carried Yang up the stairs. The little golden princess nestled her head into her dad's chest. "I don't wanna take a bath, papa…" she protested weakly.

Tai only patted her head in response.

I scooped up the little red drunken master.

"Hey, kiddo. Good fight."

"I want whiskey, U-Uncle Q-Qrow," Ruby said trying to stifle a yawn in between.

"Maybe when you're older, okay?" I said following Tai.

Ruby snuggled deeper into my arms. "Teach me to fight like you too, okay?

"Again, when you're older."

"I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Uncle Qrow..." said Ruby as her soft head rested against my shoulder.

" _Heh."_ I've never really been role-model material. It was kind of nice. Also strange. Kids need better role models than lil ol' drunken me. "When you're older kid. When you're older."

"I'd like that..." Ruby closed her eyes and had a smile on her face.

Tai had set Yang on the bathroom sink and was drawing a bath with bubbles and soap when I came in with Ruby.

"You're raising a pair of good kids, Tai," I said setting the half-awake Ruby next to her equally half-awake sister.

Tai laughed.

"Yeah, a pair of good troublemakers." He turned away from the bath and looked at me. "Mind babysitting them again some time? Look at 'em. They love you."

I looked back at the two tykes, both of them yawning and leaning against each other, not caring for a thing in the world except a few minutes with Mr. Ducky, a soft bed and the sweet dreams to follow. It reminded me a bit of me and my sister back in the day…

"... I'll think about it."

 _Uncle Qrow, What's Whiskey Fin_


End file.
